“You’re looking for love in all the wrong places, and every place you look is the wrong place, other than looking within.” — Abraham Hicks
Looking For Love in All the Wrong Places is how Christine Heath humorously describes how she first came across the Principles back in the 1970s. At the time, Christine was a licensed Psychotherapist in Minneapolis, working with women who’d been sexually and physically abused. No one else was doing this type of work in her area, so as you can imagine, after seeing 60 plus clients a week, Christine was suffering from burnout. In addition, she was thirty years old, single, and fantasizing that if she found a man to marry, she would be a lot happier.
So, when Christine’s colleague, Dr. Joe Bailey, mentioned that he’d met his future wife at a Principles training, she decided to attend the next Principles conference in hopes of meeting her future husband too.
On the first day of lectures, Christine wasn’t paying too much attention to what was shared. Instead, she was preoccupied with scoping out the eligible males in the room! On the second day, Christine decided to pay closer attention to what the presenter, Dr. Roger Mills, said. As she listened to Roger’s words, she felt this beautiful feeling envelope her. At that moment, Christine experienced this massive shift, where she saw that she had it all backward. She realized that the love she was looking for wasn’t to be found in the form of a man. Instead, Christine saw that the true source of love was within her.
Listening to Christine’s story reminded me of my own story of Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places. Having grown up in a painful environment without a father, I used to fantasize that my life would have been less traumatic if he had been around. I carried this unconscious belief that “my life would be better if I had a man in it” into my adult life. In my early twenties, I was rarely alone. I ping-ponged from one relationship to another. If one of my relationships ended, in a blink of an eye, I was looking for the next one. I had no idea that the love and security I was so desperately searching for from a man was already within me.
It was a classic case of Codependency. Innocently, my dependency on having a man in my life left me vulnerable to being abused in my relationships. I was attracted to Narcissistic men who appeared powerful, confident, and strong. The type of qualities I mistakenly believed I didn’t possess. My fear of being alone had me ignoring healthy boundaries. I was constantly moving the goalpost to accommodate the unhealthy behaviors of the Narcissists in my life for fear that they might leave me. My self-esteem was so low I didn’t believe I could survive without them. I didn’t believe I deserved to be treated any better, and I didn’t believe that I would be okay without their “love.” Thankfully I had an excellent therapist who helped me see that abuse is not real love.
Therapy helped me make sense of my childhood, but it couldn’t help me fully heal from my Codependent thinking and behavior. It was only after I came across the Principles that I found the way out of my patterns of Codependency. I refer to it as the icing on the cake regarding my healing. Once I understood the Inside-Out nature of life, I stopped Searching for Love in all the Wrong Places.
Firstly, I saw that the feeling of love I had for another person was coming from within me, not from them. Secondly, I saw that I was equal to everyone else on the planet and deserved to be treated with love and respect. Thirdly, I saw that I didn’t need to be rescued by a man, as I had just as much wisdom, resilience, and well-being within me as everyone else.
Once I saw what I saw, I stopped looking for a man to complete me. Instead, I savored the love that I found within myself. The irony was when I stopped Looking For Love in All the Wrong Places; I found the love of my life! For the last twelve years, I have been in the most loving, kind, and respectful relationship I have ever experienced.
These days I love to help my clients heal from Codependency and Narcissistic Abuse so they too can experience the freedom I was able to find. So, if you are interested in learning more about my coaching packages, please reach out to me and we can set up a call to see how I can best be of service to you.
With love and appreciation, Del 💕