Photo by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash
“When we are spiritually bypassing, we often use the goal of awakening or liberation to rationalize what I call premature transcendence: trying to rise above the raw and messy side of our humanness before we have fully faced and made peace with it.” - Ram Dass
On this week’s Insightful Conversations, I replayed a show I first aired back in early 2020. My guest was a fellow 3 Principles coach and a client of mine, Marina Pearson. Out of the hundred-plus I.C. shows for me to choose from, I decided to rerun this one because it deals with a subject that I believe is often misunderstood within the 3P community, Codependency and Narcissistic Abuse. An issue I think can get dismissed or overlooked out of an innocent misunderstanding.
Marina first contacted me at the end of 2019, when she was having difficulties in her intimate relationship. She had heard through the grapevine that I had once specialized in Codependency and Narcissistic Abuse. Marina suspected that her boyfriend was a Narcissist but dismissed his behavior and blamed herself for taking things personally. Like many people who study the Principles, Marina knew her feelings were coming from her thinking. This led her to innocently believe that their relationship dynamic would change if she just thought differently.
I believe it’s true that another person cannot make us feel anything, but this can be very confusing, if not dangerous when we are in an emotionally or psychologically abusive relationship. I often tell my clients who have fallen victim to this thinking, if they came to me with obvious signs of physical abuse, like a broken arm or a black eye, I would never send them away with the words “it’s just your thinking.” So why would I say that to someone who is suffering from signs of psychological and or emotional abuse?
After a few sessions, Marina gained some significant insights into the Codependent thinking that kept her trapped in an unhealthy relationship. Marina thanked me and told me our time together had been life-changing and that I needed to help others who were suffering from Codependency too. You see, when Marina first approached me regarding her relationship, I half-jokingly told her I was afraid that the “3 P Police” would come after me if I spoke about Personality Disorders and Mental Health issues.
I say half-joking because there was a part of me that believed I shouldn’t be talking about Codependency anymore. But, once I saw the impact our coaching sessions had on Marina, I realized that I had inadvertently thrown the baby out with the bathwater. You see, when I first came across the Principles, in addition to learning that we live in the feeling of our thinking, I also heard that there was nothing wrong with us. That at our core, we are perfect, whole, and complete. Nothing broken, nothing lacking, and that we all sit in perfect mental health. And to top it off, the only problem anyone suffers from is their thinking!
Well, I most definitely suffered from my thinking. Before coming across the Principles, I had spent close to thirty years in conventual therapy and thirty-plus years of studying Spiritual Psychology. I credit all of this for helping me understand and cope with my Codependency and P.T.S.D. But coming across the Principles was the icing on the cake. Through this understanding, I found freedom from the thinking and behavior that had dominated my life. So, I happily went along with the mantra that there’s no such thing as a mental illness and stopped talking about and calling myself an expert in the field of Codependency and Narcissistic Abuse.
Now that I have been around the Principles for several years, my understanding has evolved. I don’t see it as a black and white issue anymore. I don’t see it as all or nothing, the 3 Principles vs. Psychology. I don’t think they are mutually exclusive. As a spiritual being having a human experience, I believe our psychology plays a significant role in how we experience life. Looking back, I appreciate how therapy helped me identify the origins of my codependent behavior. That, coupled with my studies of Spiritual Psychology and the Principles, has helped me find the peace and happiness I’ve spent my whole life looking for.
These days, as a 3 Principles Practitioner, speaker, and teacher, I talk freely about Codependency and Narcissistic Abuse. I remind my listeners that I am not diagnosing or labeling anyone. I am using the words as a shorthand to describe a set of behaviors someone is engaging in. Behaviors that are getting in the way of them living rich and rewarding lives. There are so many people who are suffering. They stay in toxic-relationships believing that they can’t live without their abusive partner. They settle for crumbs in all areas of life and let others take advantage of them. They innocently believe that they are the victims of other people and their circumstances. They have lost touch with who they are and what life has to offer.
This is where I believe the combination of the Principles and Psychology is vital in helping people break this negative cycle. When we look in this direction, we see that we are not victims; on the contrary, we are powerful beyond our imagination. We begin to recognize that we are strong and resilient and equal to everyone else. We learn to tap into our inner-wisdom and allow it to guide and protect us. We learn not to be afraid of our experiences, knowing that regardless of what life throws our way, we will naturally return to our innate wellbeing. With the understanding that life may batter and bruise us, but knowing it cannot break us.
No spiritual bypass for me. I enjoy spending time with my clients getting to know them, and hearing about their life experiences. Like a detective, I have a penchant for discovering the origins of their insecurities. Like a surgeon with a scalpel, I have a passion for guiding them in removing the erroneous beliefs that are unconsciously driving their life choices. Like a proud mother, I delight in witnessing them remember who they are at their essence.
With love and appreciation, Del 💕