Recognizing Red Flags Before It’s Too Late

Photo by Viktorija Lankauskaitė on Unsplash

“The red flags are usually there; you just have to keep your eyes open wider than your heart.”- April Mae Monterrosa

My good friends and colleagues, Lana Bastianutti and Linda Ford, were my guests on this week’s Insightful Conversation show. As co-authors of the book Women and Confidence, Lana and Linda are well known for their work with women. Throughout the last few years, they’ve noticed a common theme amongst the women they work with. Many of them are successful in their professional lives, but for some reason, when it comes to dating, they fall apart. This led Lana and Linda to create a dating workshop called a Brand-New Way of Dating, which they very kindly asked me to co-facilitate.

As someone who has had a lot of dating experience, I was very excited to be part of the workshop. What sets this apart from all the other dating workshops is that it’s grounded in the understanding of the 3 Principles. Unlike many other dating programs that recommend you follow specific rules and play certain games to attract your ideal partner, the Principles encourage us to show up as our authentic selves. What better way to find your perfect match than when you are true to yourself? It makes perfect sense, but for some of us, that’s easier said than done. Some of us are unconsciously carrying baggage from our pasts that are affecting our present-day relationships. And that’s where I come in.

In my segment, I talked about Codependency and how to recognize the Red Flags of a Narcissistic Relationship before you get in too deep. As someone who suffered from Codependency for most of my life, I was a magnet for Narcissists. When I first started dating someone, my mind would go into overdrive. All my insecurities would rise to the surface. I would feel like I was auditioning for a job. My life-long habit of people-pleasing reached new heights. I’d torture myself with, “Will they like me, or will they reject me?” without stopping to ask myself whether I liked them. The irony was my self-consciousness made it impossible for me to be fully present with the other person. I was so wrapped up in my insecure thinking, the Red flags that the person in front of me might be a Narcissist went unnoticed or, worse still, ignored.

What is Codependency, you might be asking, and how does it impact us in the world of dating. Codependency shows up in all areas of our life but never more than when we hope to meet our ideal partner. People who suffer from Codependency have low self-esteem. When we feel inadequate, we unconsciously look to others to complete us. When we believe we are not good enough, we leave ourselves vulnerable to false flattery and manipulation. We hand over our power to another and allow ourselves to be dominated and controlled. We become addicted to the other person, believing they are the source of our love, wellbeing, and security. We fear being alone, thinking we can’t live without the other person. We violate our own boundaries to avoid the end of a relationship.

If you are single and have a history of painful and unsatisfactory relationships, I highly recommend you explore the Principles before reentering the dating arena. The Principles points us back to who we are at our essence. Magnificent spiritual beings having a human experience. When we know who we are at our essence and understand that we are all created equal, the concept of low self-esteem melts away. When we know the source of our feelings of love, wellbeing, and security come from within us, we stop depending on other people to fill us up. When we maintain healthy boundaries, we repel Narcissistic types that want to use and abuse us. When we listen to our wisdom, we recognize the red flags of an unhealthy relationship dynamic. When we learn to love and respect ourselves, other people respond to us with love and respect.

With love and appreciation, Del 💕